don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
