My cat gives me a boner
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I party with great urgency now.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
