I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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