So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
