I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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