I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
