I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
