o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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