I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
