I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
