We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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