My Higher Power is John Stamos
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
