You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
