I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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