Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
