if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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