God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
