I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize