I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
