Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize