I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
