I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
