Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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