Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
