I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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