So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
