he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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