You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
