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If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize