I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
