shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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