That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
