I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
