I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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