I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
