Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I need water and some morals
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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