Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
