They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
