My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
