just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
