WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
