its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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