I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
