Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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