Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
