I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
