Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
