dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
