ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
