Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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