You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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