is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
