I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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