There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize