i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
