my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
