Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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