Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
