All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
