On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
