at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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