five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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