dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
