So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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