I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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