I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
