The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize