So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
