I was born with a shot glass in my hand
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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