She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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