My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
