Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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