Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i can't believe i had my finger in that
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
