He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
