No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
